Saturday, October 29, 2011
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' Sexual Favours"
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..
Dear Dr. Phil:
Chew on this one for a while, you big, balding, nepotistic cretin…it will give you something to whine about other than fat people for an hour or so. (Because like me, you are so damn thin!)
The basis for me writing to you started off as a conversation with a good friend of mine who thinks I am a tad bit nutty. She also thinks I should have written this for the paper's Annual Sex Issue, but as that issue is about having sex, you will soon come to see why I am writing this now. I am not going to bore you with the religious reasons as why to not have sex, as that is not my job. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex – I just don’t want to have it anymore. Or at least for a long, long time –is this a sign I am married? Let me take the time to explain it to you, you paragon of intelligence.
Like every red-blooded woman, Dr. Phil, I love to talk about sex and it always seems to be a relevant and consistent topic in most of our accounting-related classes. And it is not like the instructor inspires us to talk about sex (Oh that would be SO WRONG on so many levels): the topic amongst us three evil women just always seems to drift to sex. (And we wonder why one particular classmate moved to the other side of the class so many weeks ago? No. We think he was afraid of what we were talking about. You should have seen that classmate blush when we asked him to go to Sex Toy Bingo with us!)
As always, the subject of dating, men and relationships come up --- I am supposed to be the “wise old woman” as I am a lot older than both of them and have had MEN FROM HELL in my life. (Hollywood could not even write a story with that kind of crappy experience. Actually, they can: it would just be a movie of the week on TV starring one of those chicks from “Beverly Hills, 90210” or “Saved by the Bell” knowing my luck!) Don’t even think of doing a show on my crappyexperiences: I doubt he could get a pass from the “Kingston Federal Country Club” to appear on your show.
But, back to sex. Sex ruins relationships. I know … I am not going to admit to you how many men I have slept with (I think it was best said in “Four Wedding in a Funeral “Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di, I HOPE”). But once you hit having sex with your boyfriend, you can just kiss your f***ing relationship goodbye. (PUN INTENDED). I think that the bottom line is “If you want a lasting relationship, don’t have sex with them, if you want a great relationship, just be ‘come-eff-me-party-posts’” End of story. It cannot work any other way.
Once you have gone all the way, that becomes the entire focus of the relationship. The other person comes over, and they spend the entire night trying to get into your pants. Screw the foreplay, the guy walks in with an enormous erection and the focus of the evening is now, “how quick can I get her into the sack without an exertion on my behalf?” No more quiet nights watching movies, going out to dinner – the ultimate reward has been stated: you naked and ya-yas being fulfilled. And if you don’t, pouting, whining and “I’m not getting any anymore!”
Or, even worse, “You know, I don’t really know what I want in this relationship.” “I think we moved too, too, too fast!” “I think we need to prioritize what we are doing right now!” “You know, I am not really ready for a full-time girlfriend - In other words- thanks for the blow-job and the screw, but get out of my life, I’m moving on to someone else who I am going to say these exact things to some other chick next week! And if I do like you, my penis cannot seem to get you in the mood, maybe I will rent some porn to get you hot and bothered (chances are it will only get me hot and bothered as I will probably rent one of lesbians or butt-screwing). Or better yet, I will take you to the strip-club to see if that works…I know the $20 lap dance I get will work for me before I take you back to my place!" (Yeah, babe, don’t let that door smack you TOO HARD on the butt on the way into the place!)
Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Phil, women apply this double standard of one-night stands to men too. It’s just us chicks who seem to take it more personally… is it our estrogen, Dr. Phil? Or do we just take it more personally because we are the shoulders our friends cry on while the guys just compare notes and call the women that did it to them “bitches”, “hos” and “skanks”. (While their “friends” take notes on whom they can target as an easy lay a few days down the road?)
Talk to me, Dr. Phil – Maury Povich is on in ten minutes with today’s results of those crazy “bitch’s” and “ho’s paternity tests!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Pumpkin-Ricotta Stuffed Shells
24 jumbo pasta shells (cooked)
1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
2 1/2 cups (22 oz) fat free ricotta
15 oz can pumpkin puree
3/4 cup + 2 Tbsp Pecorino Romano, grated (2 1/2 oz net weight)
1 large egg white
2 cloves crushed garlic
1 c fresh basil, chopped
1 tsp dried sage
1 tsp salt
1 jar tomato sauce (26 oz)
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Put cooked and cooled pasta shells on a baking sheet and drizzle with the olive oil.
3. In a bowl, mix the ricotta, pumpkin, 3/4 cup of the Pecorino Romano and all of the remaining ingredients (except the tomato sauce).
4. Spread sauce in bottom of a 9x13 inch baking pan.
5. Fill each shell with about 3Tbsp of the pumpkin-ricotta mixture and arrange in pan – open shell sides up.
6. Cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes.
7. Remove foil, sprinkle with remaining cheese and bake another 15-20 minutes.
8. Serve piping hot with a great glass of wine ... I like pinot grigio with this!
· (Note: you can stuff the shells the night before and refrigerate overnight – put in an airtight container with shells protected from layers above with a layer of cling film ... arrange shells on sauce just before baking.
You will need to add a good 10 minutes to the baking time, though, as the shells will be cold (vs. room temperature) and need more time to get hot and bubbly.
You can also use MORE CHEESE and regular fat ricotta ... this is a light version!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
My editor is a pissy little man-bitch who didn't approve of this review....I let it stand where it stands...he said it was too short and not enough details ... I wonder why as he never seems to print my HONEST reviews amongst his orgasmic-ravings over shitty books (that get more books sent to him ... face it ... you tell the truth, you don't get published in this shitty "magazine"!) The man loooooooves Danielle Steel and thinks that she is the best writer on the planet ... "nuff said!
The Cuckoo – Julia Crouch (c. 2011 Headline Publishing Group- 403 pages $24.99)
“Polly is Rose’s oldest friend. So when she calls with the news that her husband has died, Rose doesn’t think twice about inviting her to stay. She’d do anything for Polly; it’s always been that way. Polly has never been one to conform – it’s one of the qualities Rose most admires in her – and from the moment she and her two small boys arrive on Rose’s doorstep, it’s obvious she is not the typical grieving widow. But the longer Polly stays, the more Rose wonders how well she really knows her. She can’t help wondering, too, whether her presence has anything to do with Rose’s growing sense that she’s losing her hold on her own family and home.”
Cuckoo by Julia Crouch is a seriously deep book, full of dark sense of class, intrigue and a sense of overwhelming darkness. The by-line “Their first mistake was inviting her in” grabbed my attention from the get-go and the book had me intrigued to the very last page – an amazing feat from a first-time author.One minute you find yourself relating to Rose, agreeing with what she has to say and the next minute you want to shake her until she comes to her senses - you never know what to expect – which is a good thing! At the half-way point of the book I started to question where the book would go and how Julia would survive this ordeal. Did I ever guess what the ending would be? Not in a MILLION YEARS. This is a stunning debut novel and I cannot wait for Crouch’s next book. Five out of five bookmarks.
Maybe he is a pissy man-bitch but I have more balls than him and will leave my review as it is and leave him to whacking off on Miss Steel's latest "attempt" at writing!
ephemera is a form of:e·phem·er·a
noun (plural) /əˈfem(ə)rə/ ephemera, plural
Things that exist or are used or enjoyed for only a short time
Items of collectible memorabilia, typically written or printed ones, that were originally expected to have only short-term usefulness or popularity
adverb /eks ˈlēbris/ /ˈlībris/
noun /eks ˈlēbris/ /ˈlībris/ ex libris, plural
A bookplate inscribed in such a way, esp. a decorative one
I read ... a lot. I muse ... a lot. I spout random things about what amazes me or what irks me ... take everything I say with a sense of humour!